The Olympics came to a close last Sunday in a blaze of lumberjacks, fur trappers, dancing Mounties, and giant beavers and moose. A fairly typical Sunday evening in Canada but quite a spectacle for anyone not used to our quaint traditions.
We love the Olympics - both summer and winter - because we get to see young men and women who have invested so much time and effort for this one opportunity to be their best on the world stage. Oh, and the outfits. We looooove the outfits. Some are about form following function (speed skating, skiing), some are a nod to the culture of the sport (snowboarding), and some just fall into the “what the f….?” category.
Herewith, a cavalcade of Olympic sport fashion, the year of our lord 2010.
The only thing better than an angry beaver coming at you at 80 MPH…
(insert your own gags here - with material like this they write themselves)
…is a magical unicorn?
Japan may need to revisit its ‘spirit animal’ strategy before Sochi in 2014.
Speaking of helmets… Girl, no matter what your jail-time-doin’ daddy told you, you aren’t a princess. You’re 26 honey. Time to let go.
They say all these black patches are supposed to reduce drag and make you even speedier than your thunderous quads and glutes already do. We’re not sure about that, but we are surprised to see Flight of the Conchords’ Bret McKenzie winning gold for Canada, seeing as he’s a kiwi and all.
Shani Davis did really well in his version of the supersuit.
Snowpants that look like baggy jeans (the wags at Gawker dubbed them ‘Jowpants’). That plaid is pretty terrible too. Reminds us of the family breakfast nook circa 1973. Enough said.
Skating fashion never lets us down. We like that about skating, even if we’re not particularly fond of the sport itself. This time we had an extra dash of racial/cultural insensitivity to add to the slurry. Thanks Russia! We knew we could count on you.
At least Kevin van der Perren will be able to wear this again at Hallowe’en.
And what is Lysacek supposed to be?
And no, we aren’t going to cite Johnny Weir since he seems to have shown up in his street clothes.
The secret, as always, is for you to wear the outfit and not let the outfit wear you. Who knew it would be up to the Norwegians to remind us of that valuable lesson?
Thanks to the Testicle Bomber (“O Testicle Bomber, O Testicle Bomber, how crispy is your nut sac?”), air travel will be that much more unpleasant for the foreseeable future. In case anyone needs a reminder of how far we have fallen when it comes to air travel, let us compare visions of the past and future.
The Past: Behold the world of the 1950s “Stratocruiser”. Canapes, martinis, and room enough to cross your legs and read a full-size newspaper. Stewardesses are friendly and seem to enjoy what they do for a living.
The Future: Once through the full-body scan and cavity search that is the first round of security, all our clothing and belongings are confiscated for the duration of the flight. We are issued one adult diaper (+ one extra if the flight is over 5 hours long), one Slanket/Snuggie and 1-2 Percocet (or other potent narcotic of choice). All passengers are thus rendered comatose for the duration of the flight.
The middle photo in the montage above is misleading: we will not be smiling let alone conscious. Don’t even think of reaching for that electronic device. Your Slanket/Snuggie may well turn that lovely shade of brown however, depending on the load in your adult diaper.
Happy new year and happy travels to all.