I Remember Fashion

Rings of Fire and Ice

The Olympics came to a close last Sunday in a blaze of lumberjacks, fur trappers, dancing Mounties, and giant beavers and moose. A fairly typical Sunday evening in Canada but quite a spectacle for anyone not used to our quaint traditions.

We love the Olympics - both summer and winter - because we get to see young men and women who have invested so much time and effort for this one opportunity to be their best on the world stage. Oh, and the outfits. We looooove the outfits. Some are about form following function (speed skating, skiing), some are a nod to the culture of the sport (snowboarding), and some just fall into the “what the f….?” category.

Herewith, a cavalcade of Olympic sport fashion, the year of our lord 2010.

Luge
The only thing better than an angry beaver coming at you at 80 MPH…

(insert your own gags here - with material like this they write themselves)

…is a magical unicorn?

Japan may need to revisit its ‘spirit animal’ strategy before Sochi in 2014.

Skiing
Speaking of helmets… Girl, no matter what your jail-time-doin’ daddy told you, you aren’t a princess. You’re 26 honey. Time to let go.

Speed Skating
They say all these black patches are supposed to reduce drag and make you even speedier than your thunderous quads and glutes already do. We’re not sure about that, but we are surprised to see Flight of the Conchords’ Bret McKenzie winning gold for Canada, seeing as he’s a kiwi and all.

Shani Davis did really well in his version of the supersuit.

Snowboard
Snowpants that look like baggy jeans (the wags at Gawker dubbed them ‘Jowpants’). That plaid is pretty terrible too. Reminds us of the family breakfast nook circa 1973. Enough said.

Skating
Skating fashion never lets us down. We like that about skating, even if we’re not particularly fond of the sport itself. This time we had an extra dash of racial/cultural insensitivity to add to the slurry. Thanks Russia! We knew we could count on you.

At least Kevin van der Perren will be able to wear this again at Hallowe’en.

And what is Lysacek supposed to be?

The Crow?

Blackadder?

And no, we aren’t going to cite Johnny Weir since he seems to have shown up in his street clothes.

The secret, as always, is for you to wear the outfit and not let the outfit wear you. Who knew it would be up to the Norwegians to remind us of that valuable lesson?

Air Travel Past and Future

Thanks to the Testicle Bomber (“O Testicle Bomber, O Testicle Bomber, how crispy is your nut sac?”), air travel will be that much more unpleasant for the foreseeable future. In case anyone needs a reminder of how far we have fallen when it comes to air travel, let us compare visions of the past and future.

The Past: Behold the world of the 1950s “Stratocruiser”. Canapes, martinis, and room enough to cross your legs and read a full-size newspaper. Stewardesses are friendly and seem to enjoy what they do for a living.

The Future: Once through the full-body scan and cavity search that is the first round of security, all our clothing and belongings are confiscated for the duration of the flight. We are issued one adult diaper (+ one extra if the flight is over 5 hours long), one Slanket/Snuggie and 1-2 Percocet (or other potent narcotic of choice). All passengers are thus rendered comatose for the duration of the flight.

The middle photo in the montage above is misleading: we will not be smiling let alone conscious. Don’t even think of reaching for that electronic device. Your Slanket/Snuggie may well turn that lovely shade of brown however, depending on the load in your adult diaper.

Happy new year and happy travels to all.

Variations on a Theme

While we were on our way to work this morning, looking very St.Joan from Mad Men with our between-the-bosom pendant watch (sorry, we don’t own a gold pen… yet), we spotted a member of generation hoodie heading south to deepest SOMA dressed in the t-shirt version of this:

(which is available here. Only $20 with $5 going to charity! Get one now!)

This, of course, is a variation on the well-known British WWII poster “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Notice it’s brethren “Freedom is in peril. Defend it with all your might.” and “Your courage, your cheefulness, your resolution, will bring us victory.” don’t have quite the same appeal. Perhaps it’s the Eau de Orwell they’re wearing?

Well, since a box-load of these old posters were found a few years ago in an attic somewhere in England, variations on the theme abound (keep hitting reload, there’s another 5 every few minutes…). We’ve culled some of our favorites from around the Web.

Possibly even more British than the original:

The Bushian response to 9/11:

The meme-on-meme: 


The Gen-Xer (I presume…):

The Contrarian:

The (tasty, tasty) Pavlovian:

But really, in the end, this about sums it up.

That is all. Over and out.